


We All Scream

by AnonEhouse



Category: Avengers (Comics), Captain America (Comics), Iron Man (Comic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cap-Ironman Bingo, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Ice Cream, M/M, No Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:23:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5852122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Tony encounter a very cool villain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We All Scream

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

"No, seriously," Iron Man said. "Did that guy just _melt_ , Cap? I mean, it was only a little repulsor blast."

Steve eyed the pinkish, goopy puddle oozing towards the mall entrance. "Have you been sleep-inventing again, Iron Man?"

"NO! I mean. I don't think so." Tony leaned down. "It's moving, so it's not dead. Maybe he's an alien amoeba? A giant, pink, amoeba?" Tony added dubiously.

"What would an alien amoeba be doing terrorizing people in a mall? He was threatening people who were buying X-Men t-shirts. That doesn't sound like anything an alien invader would do." Steve put his shield in front of the ooze to stop its progress. "Maybe we should bottle it and take it to Reed to study."

"Why Richards?" Tony sounded hurt. "I'm smarter than him. I beat him at chess all the time."

"Well, you know, he can change his shape, so this might be more up his alley."

"Richards _stretches_ , he doesn't... go all mushy. Like protoplasm." Tony edged away from the ooze. 

Steve picked up his shield and scowled at the pink drips clinging to the edge. His frown turned to puzzlement. "This smells like strawberry."

"You're kidding."

"No, really." Steve held out the shield. "Can't you analyze it?"

"I suppose. It's just so... gross." Iron Man took the shield and held it up to his helmet for a moment. "That's... that's crazy. Impossible, and crazy."

"What? What is it?"

"Ice cream." Tony gave Steve the shield back. "Strawberries, milk, cream, sugar, vanilla extract. All natural ingredients with no artificial preservatives."

"Is Loki around, that sounds like one of his tricks?"

"Yeah, really, who'd have a lame-o superpower of turning into strawberry ice cream?" Tony said.

The puddle of ice cream quivered, drew itself together and built up until the guy in a shiny midnight blue catsuit who they'd been fighting, once more stood before them. "It is NOT lame-o! I am EYE- SCREAM and my mutant power means I can be ANY flavor of ice cream, soft serve or brick hard! Let's see an X-Man do that!"

Tony backed away, repulsors warming up and aimed at the guy. "Uh huh, well, I'm lactose intolerant so keep your distance, ice cream."

"NOT ICE CREAM, EYE SCREAM!" The formerly slushy treat jumped up and down in rage.

"It's really hard to hear the difference," Steve said politely.

"These mutants, they're so touchy," Tony remarked.

Steve frowned at Tony. "Language. You know we're not supposed to use the 'M' word."

"Sheesh, what are they gonna do? Come after us and make us fight to the death?" Tony paused and looked up. "Don't get any ideas."

Eye Scream folded his arms across his chest. "Mutant, mutant, muuuuutant," he taunted.

Steve looked stern. "You should use your power for good!"

"Yeah, sure," Eye Scream said. "I'm not flashy like the X-men, so who cares?"

"Well," Steve said as he looked at Eye Scream. "Any flavor? Even flavors from the Ben and Jerry's discontinued flavors graveyard?"

"Sure."

"Orange and Cream? Rootbeer Float My Boat? Rum Raisin? Blackberry Cobbler? Blueberry? American Pie?" Steve looked like he was going to weep for joy. "They were all gone before I woke up. Can you imagine it? Apple pie ice cream with apples and pie crust pieces?"

"Um," Eye Scream said. "Maybe."

"Oh, god, no, don't listen to him!" Tony got between Steve and Eye Scream. "You promised, Steve! If you eat ice cream, I can't kiss you."

"I'll brush my teeth." Steve's eyes gleamed. 

Eye Scream backed away. "CANNIBAL!" 

Tony grabbed Steve and held him long enough for Eye Scream to flee the mall. He patted Steve on the back. "Breyer's makes lactose free ice cream."

Steve sniffled. "Only in vanilla and chocolate."

"I'll have them make a special batch with added apple pie to the vanilla, just for you."

Steve lifted his head and smiled. "Thanks, Tony."

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for the D-List Villainy square on my Bingo card.
> 
> Eye Scream was an actual Marvel comics villain. He appeared in Obnoxio the Clown vs. the X-Men#1 (1983).


End file.
